Kazuki Not Kabuki
by bananasplit92
Summary: Complete. Kazuki gets mistaken for a girl at a summer festival. And made to do a kabuki dance onstage.


**Yeah, this is what happens when I try to think of things to do to Kazuki. Thanks Erik for the ideas.**

**Do not own Get Backers.**

Kazuki. Not Kabuki.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Never mind that it _was_ yesterday. I hate summer festivals, now and forever. I just had to go, didn't I, when I could have stayed at home with a good book instead.

Ginji had to go for a walk and have a flyer blown into his face. Then he had to read it. And then try to get the entire Honky Tonk to go for the summer festival it was advertising. He even offered to have Ban drive us all there. Like the beetle would take everyone. And I was right, it didn't. Juubei and I had to walk. I should have turned around and gone home, Juubei wanted to. But no, I wanted to see the festival and I persuaded Juubei to come with me.

Then we couldn't find the others who'd kicked us out of the car. We should have gone home, but being the stupid man I am, I didn't. Come to that, I didn't even notice that a lot of men were looking at Juubei pretty enviously, until he told me a while later.

But we heard loud music and followed it to a rather large stage. There being a pretty huge crowd, I figured we might be able to find the others there. So I made Juubei stay. The stage was really far away, so we, or rather Juubei, pushed our way to the front. We shouldn't have done that. If only I had seeing strings as well...

"We need a lady from the audience for the next act, so can we have some volunteers please!" There were that many hands that shot up, but no, he didn't pick them. Even screeching high school girls should be able to do something, but no, he didn't pick them.

"Let's have that pretty young lady over there, yes, you!" _And pointed straight at me._

_PRETTY. YOUNG. LADY??_

There were about a hundred people who volunteered, and about fifty thousand more in the audience, and he had to pick ME? And as if that wasn't insulting enough, he _came off the stage to escort me up there._ What is the world coming to? And my dear Juubei, the one person who is supposed to protect me when the world turned against me, just stood there like an idiot and did nothing. What happened to _I live to protect you? _

But what could I do? I went. And when we got up there, I figured it'd be some question and answer thing and it'd be over after he gave me a cheap keychain or something for trying. But...

"This lucky young lady will get to dress up in a full traditional kimono, and you don't see many of those in this day and age!"

I was horrified. A _kimono? _I know my dressing isn't what you'd call masculine, but I don't wear kimonos! Those are strictly for women and women only. But this guy and everyone else thought I was one.

"And we will spend a few minutes teaching her a few simple steps from the original kabuki dances which started the immensely popular kabuki!"

I would have killed him, but that would just get me into more trouble with the police. I didn't want that. Even worse, I could see a number of guys in the audience gaping and drooling. And a few of them had girlfriends trying to beat them out of the trance. How amusing.

Worst of all, I had found 'the others'. They were right smack in the middle of the crowd. Smirking. And whispering. I wished I'd attached a couple of hearing strings onto them. _Dammit. _

But I didn't have time for that. The makeup crew dragged me backstage and shoved a red kimono into my hands. A _red kimono. With flowery patterns all over it. Like those I used to wear as a child. _I don't do kimonos, and I don't do red. Not anymore. I hate red. But they pushed me behind a screen and made me change out. I could always tell them I'm a guy, but that would wreak havoc. They'd all probably get heart attacks and die. Not such a bad idea, but the police would be after me. Nothing for it. I got changed.

I'd better receive compensation for this in my next life. A lot of compensation.

They almost fainted and started going on about how I was so lucky to be so pretty. Utter humiliation. Little warning bells going off. But I controlled myself. No use getting into unnecessary trouble. I let them teach me the dance. It was easy really, and quite a nice one.

I was thinking very different things when they shoved me back onstage and the afore mentioned drooling guys nearly blacked out. I feel sorry for their girlfriends. But I had my own problems. Among my...I hate to call them my friends, Ban and Ginji were unabashedly drooling themselves dry. It was horribly disturbing. The rest were killing themselves laughing. I saw that they'd found Juubei and he was now standing with them. Bless Juubei, he couldn't see. I don't know what I'd do if he saw me in this situation, although I had no doubt someone had already told him.

The next five minutes were like my previous, present and next life all added together. When I finally got changed again and got off the stage, there was a horde of people trying to get a closer look at 'the pretty young lady'. I pushed through them as politely as possible and made my way toward my... friends. They were pretty easy to find. I'll never hear laughter as loud as that ever again, not if I looked forever.

Once I reached them they started howling even louder, if that was even possible.

"Kazuki would make a fantastic kabuki actor! Heck, they even rhyme!" Paul is going to pay for that.

"He'd be a huge success offstage!" I didn't like what Hevn was hinting. I still don't.

"Kazuki san was made for kabuki! Made for it!" So Natsumi has a mean streak as well. Ban must be rubbing off. And speaking of Ban...

Ban and Ginji still had their eyes fixated on me, so I got Shido to make his crows peck at them. Then Shido started the whole "Kabuki san" thing, so I tied him up and left him there. He had a lot of time until he was due home anyway.

But I could see them bursting on the way back to the car, and at least this time they had to walk because Ban and Ginji didn't mind driving Juubei and I home. But they'd recovered. And were now calling my name at every opportunity just to say "Kabuki san".

I hate flyers.

_End_


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